Spotlights turn and pivot towards me,

On Doctor Who's Penultimate Episode: WHAT? WHAT? WHAT???????? NOOOOOOOOOooooooo! You are lying! You must be lying! I don't believe you!!!!!!! DAMN YOU, RUSSEL T. DAVIES!!! THAT IS THE MOST EVIL CLIFFHANGER EVER!!!

P.S., LOL @ the "fanfare" line. Sarah Jane Adventures, FTW.

On Work: The babies constantly tell what are essentially dead baby jokes, and find them hilarious. It goes kind of like this.

Some adult: "Where's my baby?"
Some baby (approx 18-26 mo): "I ate him!"
Babies: "LOL!!!1!"

Me: "What are you doing with that baby?"
Babies (with a doll): "Putting it in the microwave" (or baby talk equivalent)
Me: "Why?"
Babies: "To eat it!!! LOL!!!!"

And so on. Most of the jokes involve baby cannibalism, but occasionally they just involve the baby being dead. I don't know whether to find this severely disturbing or hilarious. It did remind of one time when I was little, and we were at my grandma's house, and Grandma asked me, "Do you know why babies like you are so cute?" and when I told her I didn't she said, "It's to keep your parents from eating you when times are hard."

And I remember thinking that was the funniest thing I'd ever heard.

On Work Some More: I was vomiting yesterday and so missed work, making it my third sick day in four weeks. I'm never missing a day of work again. What if they fire me??? But I was vomiting! Damn it! What if they don't believe I was sick? Or something? What if they just want an excuse to fire me and here I am providing one. Bah! I hate the need for employment.

On the Need for Employment: As someone who is about to go into a minimum of ten grand (and probably double or more) into debt in order to get a degree in a field with basically zero job security, this song is hitting a little too close to home.


On Independence Day: I have a mix which I will try to post before the date. I will also probably post some rant about some America thing. Like maybe, Why I Think the Star Spangled Banner is a Terrible National Anthem. Or Why America Is Awesome at Food. Or something. But more importantly, does anyone have plans? I have no plans. I would like to hang with friends and do something. What plans are being made?

There's a book meme under the cut.
( OMG BOOK MEME! )

So, I promised to cross-post from LJ onto here, and have kind of been slagging off on the cross-posting bit, so you can go check out my LJ for the full report, but here's the low-down:

- I went on vacation to California with my folks and lil' bro and completely forgot to mention it. It was fun. I saw Wicked. I got to check out my college of choice, and hang out in theme parks, including Disneylad, wheee!

-I applied to said college of choice (did I mention it's a film school?), and realised after sending the application in that I used "capitol" in my essay where I meant "capital" and had a nervous fit wondering if this would be my end.

-I applied for jobs and got one working at a day care. It is bizarre and exhausting.

- I figured out that FTW is WTF backwards, and decided that these are the yin and yang of the internet, and keep everything is balance.

-I got sick, and kept working anyway. I couldn't talk for about 5 days. I still don't have my singing voice back. This was the most ill I'd been in a very long time.

- I was accepted to my dream school. I will be attending in September. My job does not know that I'm leaving in just two months. I'm trying to keep it that way.

...that's it. There's where you were behind. Wheeee.

I'm sure I'll have something to post later tonight or wev, but for now I just thought I'd bring you up to date. Soooo, now you are.

Yesterday, I hung out with valkyrie_tears  and it was very fun. Bookstores, the mall, and Speed Racer (which I luvved, BTW) made for an excellent evening. During this night o' fun we went to the food court, where I got Chinese food, and within a certain cookie this bit of future-telling was bestowed upon me.

Or a link to the video here.

I'M NOT CRYING. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

*tear*

You are sitting in your bed after having taken your little sister on errands and suffering from a sore throat the was given to you from your sick sibling's family who slept in your bed before going back to Idaho, meaning that after you got back into the bed, even after washing the sheets, you catch their illness. It sucks, and you certainly aren't getting the sympathy they got, but it's cool. You've had a fun day, and you are now simultaneously working on a movie treatment and listening to This America Life. You had Mongolian for lunch, had been running errands, and took care of the garbage that day. This treatment is coming along awesomely. You are in the zone.

Over the din of your headphones and This America Life you hear your bedroom door. You look over from your bed to see your mother, standing with her arms crossed, so you take off your headphones and wait for what she has to say.

"I'm under no obligation to pay for you, you know that right? I don't have to let you live here. I don't have to buy you food. I don't have to pay your car insurance. You aren't entitled to anything from me."

This is the grand announcement that your mother specifically came into your room to let you know. You are pretty certain that announcements such as these are normally preceded by some incident, and are severely disconcerted and confused, so you say the first thing that comes to your mind,

"What?"

"I'm really upset with the way you've been acting. You just sit around all your bed all day. You can't just hang out in your room and then only come out for food. I want to see you up and doing something. I want you to get a job. I want you to do something with your life."

You are in the middle of writing a treatment for a totally awesome documentary that, if your lucky, will turn out to be doing something huge with your life. You took your sister on errands. You took care of the garbage. You've been busy all day long and spent all of one hour slacking. You have no idea what your mother is on about, and don't understand why she felt it was a good idea to come into your room and start lecturing you for apparently no reason, and feel affronted by her assumption that your behaviours have something to do with her specifically, and, perhaps irrationally, become defensive,

"I gave up trying to do things because you wanted them a long time ago. I gave up trying to impress you. I've realised that no matter how well I'm doing, no matter how much I follow your expectations, I'll never be happy. So, sorry I guess. But that's not changing."

This spirals into an argument, "This isn't about me. This is about you." "I don't understand why you're in here." HATE CONFUSION ANGER RAGE DEMANDS FOR RESPECT DEMANDS FOR REASONS

She storms out of the room in anger. Then, minutes later, she returns, seemingly to just start the argument over again.

"I just want you to know you can't twist this into being about me somehow. That's not what this is. This is about you. You can't just twist these things around."

"You came back in here just to say THAT?"

I CAME BACK IN HERE TO TELL YOU WHERE I STAND YOU CAME BACK IN HERE AND RESTARTED A DEAD ARGUMENT MALICE RESENTMENT ACCUSATIONS DEFENSE

And then, finally,

"BUT WHY DID YOU COME IN HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE???"

"When I came home, the dishes weren't done."

"That's IT? There are other people in this house, you know. Why is this my fault?"

"You're the one at home all day."

"You could have, instead of randomly coming in here and criticizing me, just come in and say 'Hey, the dishes weren't done. Could you do them?' and I would have been like, 'Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't notice. I'll go do them.' And this would have been, like, a really peaceful interaction."

"Oh, I have to tell you to do every little thing now? Well then, (adopts patronizing Minnie Mouse voice, approximately one octave above actual speaking voice) Could you PLEASE, EVERY DAY, DO THE DISHES and LAUNDRY and other DAILY TASKS."

"Don't patronize me. We can talk like adults here."

"Don't tell ME what I can and can't do."

And she leaves. And you follow to go do dishes. She turns around in the kitchen, verbally attacks you, and then accuses you of overtly criticizing her. Unwisely, you respond,

"Well, at least I don't walk into your room specifically with the purpose of randomly criticizing you and starting an argument. At least I do it in defense. And HONESTLY what kind of response did you EXPECT, the way you're acting?"

"Go to your room."

...

"GO TO YOUR ROOM. AND NEVER COME OUT."

So you turn around and go straight back into your room, where you were before. And start crying. And then you go back to listening to This America Life. But you do not go back to writing your treatment. You've lose the zone. You write a stupid blog post instead. And there really aren't proper words for how angry you are.

There's this webcomic called Sinfest, and it can be hit and miss, but there's this character name Monique, and while she's characterized (especially at the beginning) as way more sexually free than I would consider myself, the truth it I find myself identifying with her quite often.

So here's a small collection of moments when Monique and I have synced.
( It's 'Nique~! )

I'm in the basement, as I've mentioned, because my brother and his family are staying here and so they get my room. I know I say this every time they stay but living in the basement is a bit awkward, what with the basement being a public space.

Like this morning, every time I would go to get dressed, someone would come downstairs or open the door and yell something down the stairs or in some other way freak me out so that I no longer felt comfortable getting dressed (ours is a house where we are never naked in front of each other, with the possible exception of my little sister and I, and even then, we avoid it). Or I'll spend half an hour or so working on a project, either a video editing project, or writing up this film thing I'm working on, or organizing important information or whatever, and then someone will come downstairs and start playing a video game or something and I won't be able to concentrate anymore and so just leave it.

And then, because I'm in the basement instead of on the main level, my mother is even more prickly when it comes to my "lack of participation in the family". Partly because my being relegated to the basement does, in fact, result in my interacting with the family less, and partly because when the house is so busy I tend to feel awkward (large social groups aren't really my thing, normally, especially when I'm not with a group that I can feel completely open with, and the brother bringing the niece results in many visits from extended family) and remove myself from situations more frequently. So she's right, I'm not participating, but I really don't think they'd get much enjoyment from me if I was.

Like, for instance, earlier today. My little brother and one of his friends and a cousin who is their age were watching Ratatouille when it had been left on from my niece thinking she wanted to watch it and then getting distracted. This led to the family discussing Pixar movies, which you'd think would be a safe subject. And for the most part it was. We discussed which movies were our favourites, how much many of us are looking forward to Wall-E, and the ways in which Pixar movies tend to surprise you with just how good they are, right when you were ready to underestimate them. And we talked about all the different kinds of stories Pixar had managed to take on.

And that's when I said, "You know what Pixar still hasn't done yet, though, is make a movie with a female protagonist. They need to make a movie with a strong female lead. That would be cool."

My brother Daniel laughed, "No. They don't need to do anything like that."

He then went on to explain to me that Disney already has enough movies with female leads, because "That's what the princess movies are for."

Yeah. I remember those ones. Let's list them, and bold the ones where the Princess is, in fact, the hero of the story. As in, she actually saves the day.

Snow White
Sleeping Beauty
Cinderella
Aladdin
The Little Mermaid (As cool as Ariel was, Eric was still the one driving the boat)
Beauty and the Beast
Pocahontas
Mulan
Enchanted

Okay, so I've probably missed some. But right there we have 9 Disney movies that are, apparently, "Princess" movies. These movies core audience is, supposedly, little girls. And out of those 9 movies, only 4 feature a woman doing the big saving. And let's look at how the day is saved in these movies.

Snow White features Dwarves and animals storming down and battling a giant evil witch. - BATTLE. Sleeping Beauty has a prince slaying evil fairy/dragon. - BATTLE. Cinderella? I love Cinderella, but she still, in the big climax, she has to be saved. By Mice. Male mice, in fact. Aladdin? Jasmine wasn't the main character, and Aladdin saved the day. in BATTLE. Little Mermaid? It was Eric driving the ship. And her father giving her legs at the end.

Beauty and the Beast, Belle saves the day technically, but not in a cool battle or whatever, but by, you know, falling in love. Woo. I give her credit for speaking out against Gaston and then chopping her way out of captivity, though. So, you know. She's my favourite. Pocahontas falls in love, and good for her, and speaks out, good for her. I have a hard time liking this story simply because there's a historian in me screaming each time I try to watch it. MULAN ROCKS. She actually does get to save the day, in battle, basically by her awesome self. Giselle in Enchanted also gets to slay the dragon. This would have been cooler if the dragon had not started monologuing about how cleverly they were twisting the story by letting the woman save the day, though. It was like the writer screaming "LOOK! I CAN BE ALL PROGRESSIVE!"

So in two of the four stories, the woman saves the day, not by, you know, saving the day, and rocking in battle, but by falling in love. Which is, or course, a very feminine and womanly thing! See, so it works! And in the other two, one was about crossdressing and the other hung a huge lampshade on what they were doing, which diminished its effect.

Basically, in children's movies you can't have a female lead who just goes out and rocks and saves the day unless you're making some kind of explicit "Look! It's a woman!" point. In the cases where female leads are shown saving the day it is treated within the context of the film as being abnormal or is treated as a plot point. And when they aren't making a blatant point of it? Well then, the women aren't going to save the day.

Think about it. The Lion King, Hercules, Robin Hood.

As important as I think it is for filmmakers to, say, go out and make films featuring gay characters that are specifically about gay rights and issues, I've always thought it was so much more powerful when a character was gay and no one thought anything of it, and it wasn't a major character point. This is one of the things, despite all it's many flaws, that I like about Torchwood. It's one of the things that draws me to various works by CLAMP. There is power in taking a character, making them gay, and treating that as perfectly normal.

But the people making children's movies have not been taking women, making them strong, and then treating that as perfectly normal. The few instances when women are made heroes, they have to reference this narrative change within the text of the film itself.

So if the Disney Princess movies exist to give girls those role models, meaning the Pixar movies don't have to? I'm not seeing it. The Disney Princess movies haven't been doing that on a consistent basis at all.

And remember, this is coming from basically the world's biggest Disney fandork. Me. Me, whose favourite movie of all time and space in the history of ever happens to be Beauty and the Beast.

So I'm not saying I don't like these movies.

I'm saying I don't like that there aren't any that are different as well.

And if the 2D features are for girls and the Pixar movies are for boys...

Well, I don't think the Pixar movies are for boys. I think the Pixar movies are for kids. Girl kids included. I certainly found no problem watching Toy Story as a kid. And I really don't think I'm the exception. I think the people at Pixar would say the same. Their movies are for children. All children.

And there's this assumption out there that men and women are intrinsically different, and that is supposed to be the excuse for why a movie with a target audience of all children, and not just girls, can't feature a female lead who is the big hero. Because, apparently, boys wouldn't like it. They wouldn't be able to identify.

See, here's the thing though. If there's this big difference, it should go both ways. But I, double X chromosomed as I am, didn't have any problem being entertained by Nemo or Simba or Aladdin. So why shouldn't boys be able to identify with a female lead?

And, if that is true, if it really is true that children are soo incapable of identifying with a lead of the opposite sex, well, wouldn't that just make creating movies with strong female leads more important? Because doesn't that mean that in order for girls to gain from strong role models, we need to create strong female role models, because the male ones aren't going to work for those little girls? You know those little girls, right? Your daughters and grandchildren and siblings? Those ones you love? Don't they deserve that?

This is what I started to argue with my brother. This is what I wanted to tell him. Because there really, really aren't enough strong female characters in children's film and television. It was something that bothered me even when I was small. When my brothers got legos, they built starships. When I got legos, they were pink, and built houses and kitchens. And when I watched television, I was looking for a girl like me, who loved books and didn't take crap from anyone. And those characters were so hard to find, and when I found them, they still weren't the ones kicking someone's butt during the climax.

But, I never really got to say it, because the discussion was cut short by dinner. And I feel like, even if I had said it, he wouldn't have ever quite understood. Not because he's mean or evil, but simply because he isn't a position where such issues have to bother him, and he will probably never really take the time to understand why they bother me.

And this is why I have a "lack of participation in the family". Because when they aren't talking about God, they are saying things that I fundamentally disagree with and which I don't get to really voice my say in, and when I do bother to say how I feel, all I get it a display of how completely different my family and I really are. In our tastes and our analysis of things and our world view in general.

Because I will seemingly harmlessly remark that it would be cool if there were more female protagonists, something which to me seems so obvious and inborn that it baffles me that anyone wouldn't feel that way - I mean it's an opinion I've held for as long as I can remember (I used to play only as Peach on our Nintendo out of protest for the lack of girl characters), and then my brother will say something which to me is completely factually and socially wrong.

Or my father will say it. Or my mother.

And what seemed like the most innocent of conversations has now left me feeling depressed. Because it shouldn't be a big deal. It's just kids movies.

But we disagree like this about almost everything.

And so, yeah, maybe I don't participate in the family all that much.

I wish I could say I was sorry.

(P.S., I actually adore almost all female Pixar characters. Pixar is very good at making strong female characters. This is part of why I think it would be awesome if Pixar made a film with a female lead, because they could pull it off really well. Also - in The Incredibles, basically all of them save the day at some point, including Violet and her mom.)

((P.P.S., For good examples of strong female leads in children's movies - see Studio Ghibli <3))

My brother and his wife and daughter is in town, meaning I'm relegated to the basement again. No problem. It's actually kind of peaceful. And I get an excuse to hang out with my brother and niece while he plays guitar hero.

This is a normal turn of events, and so nothing really to report. Besides that my niece is the cutest human being in existence. Really.

But, see, today is Sunday. Sunday being the Sabbath for Mormons all over the world, including my family.

My mom hates the fact that I don't really care about church at all, but for the most part we're pretty good about respecting each other on it. Because I still know most of the people at church and I went for so long, I can generally participate in family discussions of goings-on at church and I make sure to never say anything negative. I always bow my head for prayers, pray when I'm asked to (though I don't promise the prayers are sincere, seeing as I can make no claim as to whether anyone is listening, they are respectful) and we generally get by.

But some Sundays, particularly on holidays (like Easter) or when the whole family is here, she gets testy. I can tell it really bothers her that I just nonchalantly stay home while everyone else puts on their Sunday clothes and reaches for their scriptures.

Well this Sunday, because my brother's here with his family, my grandparents (the Mormon ones on my dad's side) are also here. And we wound up inviting the missionaries over for dinner, because their previous hosts canceled on them and they needed dinner.

Okay, all of this is prefaces what is really coming next, because none of that is really a problem, and, in fact, my mom's done pretty well so far today on not criticizing my religious choices. So overall, good.

But see, just before this dinner with all my siblings and my brother's family and my grandparents and the missionaries, my father calls down into the basement for me.

"What?" I reply.

"Brother _____ [a figure of authority in the church] is here to speak with you!"

WHAT??? Of course. I haven't been to church in...ages. It's been almost a year now. But I also haven't officially removed myself from the church. The only reason I haven't done this yet it because I'm still living in my parent's house, and I know that - what with the church's complete disregard for privacy when it comes to keeping people "in the fold", if I did officially remove myself, my parents would be informed. And while they know I'm never going back, I don't see that doing good things for our relationship. Especially because I wouldn't doubt that not only would my parents find out, but it would leak through the gossip chain and the whole ward would know. Not only do they have an inactive daughter, their daughter isn't even a member! Gasp!

And I don't want to put them through that, and it will be much less of an issue when I'm not at home, so I'm waiting until I move out.

BUT - I told my former stake president I didn't want to be member and that he really shouldn't bother with me. I'm not going. I've made a very definite decision and that is one to not be Mormon.

And they left me alone for a whole freaking year before deciding to check in.

Anyway, so this authority member, after speaking with my mother for a while, came downstairs to have a "chat". There were many things wrong with this chat, as I will explain.

Okay, first, all church leaders do this, but he totally avoided the point. We both knew he was there to check up on why I wasn't going to church, but this did not stop him from rambling on about other things for like, 5 minutes, before he finally asked me about the church. It went something like this.

"So why haven't you been going to church lately?"

"I don't want to."

"Really? Why not."

"It's not really for me."

"Do you feel like you have a testimony?" (note: "testimony" is the word Mormons use for "faith in the church/God")

"No."

"Would you like to have a testimony."

"No."

See, and that is where the conversation should have ended. I had already explained, during the pointless rambling at the beginning, that I was pretty happy and focusing on a lot of things I love, and generally enjoying myself. I loved my family and we got along. I was fine. So - I'm happy. I don't believe in the church. I don't want to believe in the church.

That is the point at which he should have been like, "Oh. Okay then. Bye." Because it should have been obvious there that any authority or jurisdiction over me that he would have had if I were a willing participant did not exist. I didn't want his "help", and so he should have stopped offering it.

But, of course, he didn't.

Instead he started rambling about how "life is hard" and "people make mistakes" (who's made a mistake??? Me? How so?) but how being in the church helps give him strength and whatever. Because, of course, if my experiences aren't exactly like his, obviously mine are the wrong ones, and I should just stick with it some more. And then, in explaining how the church gives him strength, he said (this is no lie):

"Because I like to feel in control of my life. I like to feel in charge, and like I'm perfect, and can do anything. I'm not, of course. I don't know how it is for women, but men like to feel like they're important and can do things."

Oh, we women have a constant need to be submissive and never think for ourselves. Being subservient to men is totally one of my favourite things. Women are different creatures who hate being in charge and having to think and decide things and all that hard stuff. By the way, go fuck yourself.

Okay, I didn't say that. I thought it. I thought it really hard right at him, but I didn't say it. If I hadn't been in my parents' house, and if there hadn't been the possibility of family members hearing me, I absolutely would have.

But I didn't. I just glared at him, which he seemed completely oblivious to.

Also, that emphasis wasn't really added. He emphasized those words himself. The way he said it was in this disgusting way in which he made it very clear that he actually believed it might be a different case for women, and women might never get the urge to be in charge, and do cool things. But even though he believed this, his story should still be completely relevant to me, and I should listen to what he has to say!

And he kept talking, and finding he was getting nowhere, because I was basically just sitting there silently, staring at him, he started guessing at the "being picked on" route. Maybe I'm not going to church because someone was mean to me or offended me.

Well, someone's offended me now, but this is a year later.

So he's talking about peer pressure. And how maybe the girls were mean to me when I was in Young Women's in high school (they were, but that didn't actually have much of an effect on my decision). Then he says:

"Like my daughter. She's always having trouble with the girls. With the girls it's different. We boys just hang out and get along. But girls are always paying attention to things and getting into fights."

This time the emphasis was added. And, um, again, go fuck yourself.

"Paying attention to things"??? What the hell? We girls are too simple minded to ever desire being in charge, but we're so damn observant and complex, too! Which, in men would be a good quality. But us women are just so silly with it, it makes us unreasonable, and still not as totally cool as them boys!

Did I mention go fuck yourself? Because, go fuck yourself.

And I love the added implication, along with all the sexist ones, that I'm not going to church because I got my feelings hurt in some social drama. Instead of being capable of making a personal decision based on my own intelligence, philosophies, desires, and basic observations of the world around me.

But of course I didn't do that, because if I had done that I would have come to the same conclusion as this person, because his experiences are the default. Apparently this is true because he's a man.

He went on to say a bunch more offensive things (there was one more really sexist comment, but I don't remember it now. I'm sure it'll come back at some unpleasant moment and I'll be angry all over again), blather a bit about how they totally want to see me at church, and if I need any help, call him. Do you need any help? No. But what can I help you with? I really don't need anything. Well if you do I'm here for you!

Part of me feels bad for typing this, because this is someone I've known since I was seven years old. Up until this point, I never really had anything to hold against him. And he recently suffered some health issues that were a pretty big deal, and so there's some guilt there for some reason.

But Holy Haruhi Suzumiya, what a bunch of offensive rambling. What a condescending, holier-than-thou, sexist bunch of bung. Not to mention harassing me with a religion I explicitly stated I wasn't interested in. What an ass.

So anyway, after this terribly upsetting conversation which nearly had me crying "MORMONS! OMG MORMONS! I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH FREAKING MORMONS AND HOW THEY NEVER ME ALONE" I had to go upstairs to be greeted by the entire Mormon family, plus grandparents, and missionaries in post-church conversation.

I handled it well, and I don't think anyone caught on that I was pissed, and the conversations were nice.

But that didn't stop me from escaping back the basement at the first opportunity that presented itself.

Fucking Sundays.

My dad recently bought a boxset of old comedies - Buster Keaton and so on. My little brother has a friend over, and the three of them decided to watch them together (I've been watching Cardcaptor Sakura - I'm almost done).

So, they get about 30 minutes in and the two 12 year olds are bored. My dad is shocked at this - how can they be bored? I'm shocked that my dad is shocked - did he honestly think two 12 year old boys (one who has ADHD) would sit through a silent movie and be entertained? I mean, I love Buster Keaton, but honestly.

So Ender (my little brother) asks me what movies I have "that are funny. Like, actually funny".

So I go to my DVD case, poke through the piles, and return holding a box.

Ender's friend: "What's this about?"

Me: "Time traveling and rock and roll."

Ender: "Sweet. We're watching this."

Because when you have an opportunity to spread good culture and delicate taste to impressionable younger siblings, what better choice than Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure?

Jessica the Sister: Making Sure the 80s Never Die!

(P.S., I just heard my little brother in the other room "That phone thing is so totally Doctor Who." BWAHAHAHAHA - my influence is spreading in more ways than one!)

Okay, first things first, DOCTOR WHO IS 11 DAYS AWAY AND I AM FREAKING STOKED!!!

I just realised how odd of a phrase "stoked" is. I mean, it comes from the word stoke, as in "to stoke the fire", so to keep something fuelled or add fuel to, or to tend to something. So in that sense, it totally works. But thinking about it in that sense, it seems like it would be a quite old fashioned turn of phrase, making an old fashioned reference (how often do people have to stoke fires these days? We can start fires with freaking lightswitches), but it is actually used most frequently by younger adults and teenagers. I wonder how that came about?

ANYWAY-

So, I'm still in this weird in-between place, and that's been my life since I was fourteen basically, and I'm starting to wonder -  does life ever stop feeling like you're just in-between things?

I have a project I really, really, really want to do, but it takes money and conferences and so everything's up in the air, and so who knows? But I want to make this documentary.

Oh, and expect a long rant sometime soon, about fat and fat acceptance and whatever, because it's been on my mind a lot and because I'm going to be gathering info for it for a forum I'm a member of.

I bought a new book today and I love it. I should review it when I'm done.

I have a feeling this post is just going to be a long list of stuff I'm thinking about and doing that has no relevance to anyone else and that no one else would have any reason to care about.

So, I have that Doctor Who music video challenge, right? And now there's a contest at a forum that's a Cardcaptor Sakura music video contest, and so to participate I'm totally rewatching all of CCS and taking notes. I even did this whole project where I made my own personal CCS DVD boxsets, because the sets I bought, unbeknownst to me, were bootlegs with crappy subtitles. And so this time I wanted to watch it with proper subtitles, and so I downloaded the series in .ogm format, converted the downloaded to RAW and subtitled files, saved the RAW for use in music videos, and then burned the subtitled files to DVD and made DVD cases for them and everything, and now I'm rewatching the series on my home-made DVDs because I'm a pirate. And now I've suddenly got access to raw files for Sailor Moon, which means that I can make some Sailor Moon videos that I've wanted to make since I was, like, twelve. But I need a good song for a Haruka/Michiru one, because I've never seen a video for them that I really loved, and I really love them. And there's this other character profile one I want to make.

Anyway, point being, I have a lot of completely worthless fan video projects that I'm getting myself sucked into, and part of me is like "This is completely useless" and another part totally doesn't care. Because, what else have I got going on at the moment? The only documentary project I really want to do will take money and travel, and I'm working to get that, but until that point? I might as well practice video editing somehow.

And I don't feel guilty about Sailor Moon or Doctor Who videos because, yo, I've totally paid legally for all the boxsets.

And legal CCS boxsets are like...$400. Each. And there's two of them. So not now. Later, when I'm not poor. I promise.

And in the meantime, I'm working as a stagehand, looking for other work, and working on a screen play.

See, in-between? Why am I always in-between? Maybe if I weren't so good at filling the in-between time with useless projects and goals I wouldn't be so in-between all the time.

Or maybe I would be more in-between, because now that I think on it, it's my little projects that I do for fun that tend to lead me into my bigger projects and cool contacts and whatever.

And keeping busy is good, right?

Speaking of really useless projects, I'm playing Kingdom Hearts again. I'm totally going to finish it. I can feel it. And then I'm going to play the Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories Gameboy Advance game, which I totally already own. Because I bought it.

And I'm also reading A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius because first off, that's the greatest title ever, second, it sounded really good, and third, it was written by the McSweeney's guy. And I love McSweeney's.

So there. All the stuff in my life that you had no reason to care about. Enjoy.

So, the really cool person who is attempting to back my movie and hooking me up with a producer called, and there was a last minute emergency, and now the conference is Friday.

It was a momentary relief because I was a bit nervous, and then the anxiousness for the next phone call settled in.

Also, these are long distance calls. But they are long distance on a cell. And I've never gotten in trouble for long distance before.

Tomorrow at 7pm is the opening night for a children's theatre show my friend wrote. While in high school (for those who don't recall) I was a member of teenage repertory group called Troupe. I really enjoyed this group, and even did a film on them my senior year of high school (not the greatest quality film, I must add. It's more than a bit embarrassing to watch now). Anyway, now one of my friends has written a show for this group, and so it's getting to see a show written by a friend for a group of people who's company I enjoy in a community theatre program I really respect.

So I'm looking forward to it.

Also - tonight's episode of Torchwood was awesome, if only for one scene that lasted less than ten seconds that many fangirls have been waiting for for quite some time.

Those who have seen it - you know the one I'm talking about. ^_~

Yesterday while hanging out with friends I bought myself some refrigerated buffalo chicken wings to bring home, cook, and eat. I came home and made them, ate half of them, and put the other half back in the fridge for later.

And then today before leaving town, my brother ate the other half. I have spent the day mourning the loss of my buffalo wings. Watching Top Chef (why do I watch that show??? I don't even like contemporary television! And I watch a reality cooking show! What is wrong with me?) was not the same without them.

My sister had my car for the day, and so I couldn't even go out and buy more.

She did say she put gas in it though. So I guess that's all right.

I've been considering getting a paid account here at LJ, but I'm not sure. the added features would be awesome, and the icons. I would love more icons.

But do I want to spend $20 a year on a virtual blogging site that functions perfectly well for free? Especially when I'm poor enough as is?

Bah!

And I was going to watch my NetFlix movies today, and totally didn't. Maybe I'll stay up late and watch one before bed. NetFlix isn't financially tenable unless I watch the movies quickly. Otherwise I have to ask myself why I'm spending money on it.

Okays, so first off---



LJ is doing a lot of stupid things. Like censoring the top interests (leaving out top interests like fanfiction and bisexuality) and they are ceasing the ability for new users to create Basic accounts, forcing them into Plus or Paid accounts.

I'M A BASIC USER. I don't want ads on my blog, and I don't have the money to pay, and LJ still makes money off of me, because I'm the one who sees all the ads on all the other people's pages, increasing their ad revenue. I'm actually willing and very likely to get a paid account in the near future, but new users aren't going to come if we force into ads or paid accounts.

But that's beside the point, even if I weren't a basic account holder, they slipped this under the radar. They tried to hide what they were doing from the LJ community after promising to set up their little advisory board and run all decisions past them. They broke their own promises to their consumers.

More details can be found here and the correct time to start your strike can be found here.

NOW ONTO REAL LIFE

No matter which of the two proposed air dates for the beginning of the new Doctor Who season it turns out to be, new episodes of Doctor Who are less than a month away and I am stoked. This will be the first season where I'm paying attention as the episodes are airing (because I first became interested in the series towards the end of last season, and just happened, by coincidence, to finish watching season 2 the day that the season 3 finale aired, meaning I had to wait all of two days before downloading a torrent of the entire season).

Okay, so that's not really real life either. That's Fandom, which is a totally separate thing from Real Life.

So now really onto real life.

I have a very, very, very important phone conference tomorrow. I don't want to give too many details, because there is an absurdly high probability that this will not work out, but I really, really want it to work out. I'm talking with a producer and someone who is interested in backing a documentary idea I've had for a while, and if I got funding and access to the technology and whatever to do this that would be so epic. So I'm really, really nervous. Anyway...

Speaking of my future, in May I'm going to California with my parents and my little brother. This is actually a yearly trip, though the children that get to go are regularly rotated because of conflicting schedules and general desire, and this is the first year I've gone. My parents go every year because there is a medical conference that offers good continuing education credit down in the LA area for my dad, so he can keep his medical license. (You have to get so many hours of "continuing education" a year to make sure your medical knowledge is up to date). While we are down there, my parents have set aside time for us to go check out film schools.

On the one hand - YAY! I wanted time to see the schools, because online virtual tours are never quite reliable, and so this is awesome. I think I know where I want to go (if we are able to pay for me to go) but it'll be nice to actually see the place and check it out.

On the other hand - My parents will be with me. And their interests are going to be very different from mine. And their opinions, if anything at all about the stereotype of liberal arts colleges being liberal is true, are going to be very different from basically everyone there. And I'm scared that when there my parents are going to say/do something embarrassing/offensive. Especially because I know they totally would consider themselves right and would never apologize. And I'm frightened that something that would be totally cool with me - like, say, allowing nudity in student films or something - is going to convince them to never let me step foot in a school I would really enjoy.

*implosion*

So there are my Big Life Worries of the moment.

Small Life Worries - I need to beat Kingdom Hearts, Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories, and Kingdom Hearts II before I go to college or move out or whatever, because those games (aside from Chain of Memories) totally aren't mine, and the gaming consoles for all three totally belong to my brother.

In other news, I accidentally left my iTunes on shuffle and my Last.FM application open while I went out for basically the entire afternoon, and I got back and was like "Oh crap! I hope Last.FM didn't scrobble anything really embarrassing into my account!" and then looked through my history and realised something.

Of course it didn't. It couldn't have. Because my library consists of totally awesome music.

Just thought you should know.

I'm a meme thief!

Step 1: Put your media player on random.
Step 2: Pick your favorite lines from the first 25 songs that play (no matter how embarrassing they are).
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from.
Step 4: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly.
Step 5: NO CHEATING.

(What if some of these are in Japanese? I can see that happening pretty easily. Or if they're instrumental? I'll put the lyrics for foreign ones, plus translations, I think. If any show up. And skip instrumentals)

1. Move me onto any black square. Use me any time you want.

2. I live my life by the moon. If it's high, play it low; if it's harvest, go slow; and if it's full then go.

3. You need to prove your love before I'll give it up. This birdie's gonna fly away.

4. (GERMAN) Kämpfe für den Sieg über Dunkelheit. Folge deinem Traum von Gerechtigkeit. Du kannst es tun! (ENGLISH) Fight for the victory over darkness. Follow your dreams of justice. You can do it!

5. One time I trusted a stranger, 'cause I heard his sweet song. And there was something enticing me, though there was something wrong.

6. He got joo-joo eyeball. He one holy roller. "Come Together", by Aerosmith - originally, the Beatles. Guessed correctly by breakthesilence

7. You stop what you're doing. Come over here. I'll prove to you baby that I ain't no square.

8. You can ponder perpetual motion, fix your mind on a crystal day. Always time for good conversation, there's a ear for what you say. "Up Around the Bend" by Creedence Clearwater Revival, identified by bohemianrose

9. Seventeen without a purpose or direction. We don't owe anyone a fuckin' explanation. "Rock Show" by Blink 182, identified by kittykat2305 on livejournal

10. "How come you never look me in the eye? Aren't you listening to me?" said the man. "Not at all. Not at all," said the woman to the man.

11. What nonsense are you speaking, Broom? My words you must obey. "I Am Not Your Broom" by They Might Be Giants, identified by kittykat2305 on livejournal

12. Then there was music and wonderful roses, they'd send me, in sweet fragrant meadows of dawn and dew. "'Til There Was You" from The Music Man, covered by Paul McCartney. Identified by bohemianrose

13. Look there she goes. The girl is strange, no question. Dazed and distracted; can't you tell? "Belle" from Beauty and the Beast (Broadway cast, in this case). Identified by bohemianrose

14. Hey, little shoeshine, little shoeshine of mine. Lay on a hillside. Write your name in the sky.

15. He don't wanna go to school and learn to read and write. Just sits around the house and plays rock and roll music at night.

16. Oh hey, Baby, don't you run away. Come here and finish what you started.

17. "I am the Walrus", "Fat Bottomed Girls", "Yellow Submarine" - What does this mean? "Mix Tape" from Avenue Q. Identified by bohemianrose

18. (JAPANESE) ime wa miteru dake demo yuuki tamete kitto (ENGLISH) Now, even if you just look at me, I gather courage.

19. No tears, no fears, no ruined years, no clocks.

20. So long sweet slumber. I fell into you, now you're gracefully falling away.

21. These vagabond shoes are longing to stray right through the very heart of it. "New York, New York" by Frank Sinatra, identified by kitigirl on livejournal.

22. People die of loneliness. It happens every day. All it takes is just a little tenderness to ease the hurt away.

23. Doesn't want to be like anybody else. When she's alone, she talks to herself.

24. You English are all bugger folk. Your mothers are all rugger folk. Your army is a bloody joke. You couldn't beat an artichoke "Run Away" from Monty Python's Spamalot, identified by kittykat2305 on livejournal

25. They'll love us, won't they? They feed us, don't they? "Simon Smith and His Amazing Dancing Bear" originally by Randy Newman, covered by Scooter from the Muppets, identified by kittykat2305 on livejournal

I'm making more mixtapes. It's Valentine's, which, despite the fact I've never had a boyfriend, is a holiday I truly enjoy. (I had chocolate covered strawberries today!)

So, in honour of the day, here's my super-cheezy-lovesong mix of some of my favourite Love Songs during the past few months. (My favourite ALL TIME list would be much longer and cooler. So this is the stuff I've been enjoying recently).


Album: Cheezy Love

Tracks
1. Should I Stay - Gabrielle (listen here)
It seems I've grown attached,
Though we're not the perfect match.
I just can't explain.
Should I stay; should I go?
Could I ever really stand to let you go?
Can you now find the right words to say
That maybe I'm getting in your way?

(CONFESSION: this song might just be in here because of this scene from Blackpool. Because I love Blackpool.)

2. Cupid - Johnny Nash (listen here)
Listen I don't want to bother you but I'm in distress.
There's danger of me loosing all of my happiness,
'Cause I love a girl who doesn't know I exist.
Ah, and this you can fix.

3. Hooked on a Feeling - Blue Swede (listen here)
When you hold me
In your arms so tight,
You let me know
Everything's all right.
I, I'm hooked on a feeling.
I'm high on believing
That you're in love with me.

4. So Close - Jon McLaughlin (listen here)
So close to reaching that famous happy end,
Almost believing this was not pretend.
And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come.
So far we are so close.

5. First Kiss - They Might Be Giants (listen here)
But we decided long ago
We'd build a time machine and go.
How 'bout another, first kiss kiss kiss yeah.
I want another first kiss.

6. So This is Love - Disney DDR Eurobeats (listen here)
My heart has wings,
And I can fly
I'll touch ev'ry star in the sky
So this is the miracle that I've been dreaming of
So this is love

7. Here (In Your Arms) - Hellogoodbye (listen here)
I fell in love, in love
With you suddenly.
Now there's no place else
I could be, but
Here in your arms

8. Gravity - Vienna Teng (listen here)
Hey love,
I am a constant satellite
Of your blazing sun.
My love,
I obey your law of gravity.

9. I'll Come Running - Rated Hero (listen here)
I could run away with you on a Saturday.
For just one kiss, be by you.
You have taken me to where I would wanna be.

10. Geeks in Love - Lemon Demon (listen here)
As far as I can tell, while other lovers go through hell,
We'll know we're too cool for damnation.
We may not be cutting edge, but we won't take the mainstream pledge,
For we don't need your admiration.

11. Last Night On Earth - Delta Goodrem (listen here)
Let's knock down the walls of immortality.
Your fingers on my skin, only you can hear my fear,
Only you can help me heal,
I see forever with you here.
It's never enough no matter how many miles stand between us this is love.

12. Ben Folds - The Luckiest (listen here)
And in a wide sea of eyes,
I see one pair that I recognize.
And I know
That I am,
I am,
I am
The luckiest.



You can download the album here.

<3

I caucused today. This is my first presidential election, and I'm getting all involved in the political process, because I can and it's something to do. And because, crazy enough, I care.

So - here's my summary of the caucus, for people who wonder how it goes.

ENTER KHS CAFETERIA

OMG! Lesley's Mom! OMG Ittai!!! OMG Gretchen Harder! I know people! SQUEEE

Everyone talks about how young I am. I nod. I kind of talk with them but not really. Things start and people discuss who they're voting for and why. I start doing math quietly in a corner trying to figure out how we're splitting our precincts five delegates if votes stay how they started. This somehow is impressive. Everyone talks for a while, and the chair asks me if I have anything to say, so I halfheartedly repeat basically what everyone else has said, only for some reason people clap at the end. (See, these are the times when I believe the people who say I'm a good public speaker. Because I swear to Haruhi Suzumiya, I didn't really say anything and they all clapped. I'm like a magical Leopleurodon). After we've decided on votes and who gets how many delegates apparently we split into groups for each candidate to vote for who our delegates would be, only I missed this because I was too busy experimenting with the delegate math, which I thought was really interesting. Without my really realising it, they vote on me to be a delegate. Because I'm young, and apparently that's really inspiring, or it's educational and good for me. Or something like that.

So now I'm caucusing again in April. Politics is fun. I mean, if I all have to do is sit in a corner and do easy division, anyway.

And now, onto other things!

Okay, so I'm unemployed, and this sucks. I've been job hunting online and at worksource, and will continue to do so. But in the interim I have a lot of free time, and so I thought it was about time I streamlined my time-wasting.

Here's the thing - these may not even seem like goals to some people. To some people I'm sure this is going to seem very stupid. But this stuff is actually important to me. I can't even say why, in all the cases. But it is. So here we go.

MY LIST OF DERISORY LIFE GOALS (that I may be able to accomplish whilst unemployed, and are seemingly lazy, but are important to me)

0. Spend at least 1 hour each weekday at WorkSource, job hunting.
1. Watch Netflix movies as quickly as possible. Get through the fifth Doctor's reign in Doctor Who.
2. Level at least once daily in Kingdom Hearts. Use your daily play to beat the game so you can move onto Chain of Memories.
3. Watch Torchwood every Wednesday, and Ashes to Ashes every Thursday.
4. Keep caught up with This American Life
5. You know that screenplay that's been bouncing around your brain for, like, a year? Write it. A page a day. That's not too hard.
6. Finish 1.5 fan music videos a month. Just so you can become more intimately acquainted with your software.
7. Film or photograph one interesting thing a week.

OTHER THINGS FOR DOING (at your leisure)

-Rewatch Veronica Mars, because that show kicks ass and you know it.
-Burn DVDs of Life on Mars and make an official looking boxset, because the BBC refuses to release it officially in the US and that sucks.
-Explore more music. Old Music and Foreign Music and Indie Music.
-Join a club or something. A book club or a hanging out club. Only if you can't get a job, because a job would be better than a club, but seriously, you need to get out the house.

Okay, so I've been having mild health problems recently. Not debilitating or anything, but I'll feel fine and then suddenly not feel fine anymore - usually in the form of suddenly passing out. And I've discussed my bouts of lethargia on here before.

So, (this will get into all my womanly details, beware!) I'm on birth control. Have been for over a year, from back when my periods would be so long an painful that the pain would make me lose consciousness and sometimes I would be put out of commission for a day or more, just lying bed going "Owwwwwwwwww..." and wanting to die.

Went on birth control and the problem was solved. The birth control I use makes it so I only menstruate once every three months, which is convenient and rather nice.

But, as I said, I've been having health problems recently, and last night they were exasperated, so this evening I went to talk to my father about them.

Before too many raised eyebrows, my Dad is an M.D. And he also has a degree is OB-GYN (though he recently retired from OB-GYN because malpractice insurance became too expensive).

So, I'm having issues and I go to him to explain them.

Here's what I explain to him. According to my birth control schedule, which has always been very regular since I started, I should have started my period on Sunday. Rather, on Sunday, and for the past few days, I got mild cramps and the normal period symptoms - but no period. At all.

Then last night at around 4am, after taking a bath, I nearly passed out. I had to lay down on the bathroom floor for a while to get myself sorted, because I was feeling so dizzy. As soon as the dizziness subsided, I went to the toilet and vomited.

I then, very carefully and nauseously, get downstairs, into my bedroom, and into bed.

Then this morning my mother wakes me up at about 9, and a half hour later I vomit again. Now I'm feeling much better, but it wasn't pleasant.

Also, I've passed out three times over the past three or so months.

It wasn't until after I explained all the symptoms to him that I realised what it sounded like.

No period. Nausea. Dizziness.

And I look at my father and my brain fizzled out and I thought "OH GOD HE THINKS I'M PREGNANT."

Which is physically impossible, and which after his asking politely because how could he not and consider himself a medical professional (Oh God, Oh God) I explained was physically impossible. But still. Mildly mortifying.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again. The BEST way you could ever hope to promote abstinence in your kids is to become a doctor who knows more about their vaginas than they do. You don't even have to say anything. One day your kids will stumble across some of your textbooks, open them up, and then read about all the shit that can go wrong with sex and vaginas and babies and you will have a ten year old who vows to never ever have sex ever. No sex talk needed. Even when they grow out of that, you still have an adult who knows that you BETTER DAMN WELL USE PROTECTION.

And then there's what comes next.

In the discussion of maybe scheduling some tests or something, and the fact that I'm definitely NOT pregnant, Dad say "Well you could have a molar pregnancy."

Me: (Oh God) What's that?

Dad: Sometimes an egg is mutated and instead of having just one set of genes, has two. So your body thinks it's fertilized and proceeds as if you were pregnant. But it won't actually grow into a fetus of any kind. It's more like a tumor.

Me: And I could have that.

Him: Yep.

Me: Great.



ETA: My period started, tentatively, this morning. So at least I'm not pregnant with a tumor.

Once again I'm making playlists, 'cause that's what I do. And everyone once in a while I feel like sharing.

So, a while back my friend Dannie made an LJ post reminding how much I love this one song I discovered in an AMV, and thinking about that song got me thinking about religion, and songs about belief and religion, and what songs would describe what I believe.

I grew up Mormon, but now consider myself agnostic. There are a lot a religious ideas I like, and a lot of ideas that I really don't, and in the end I am decidedly undecided. I think that basically anything could true. But there are a lot of things I like thinking about, whether I believe them or not.

Also, growing up Mormon was somewhat repressed, and so it's a bit liberating to explore music that takes different views on things. So I decided to make a kind of personal Agnostic Worship CD. Some songs are religious and some aren't. Some are anti-religion, and some just explore thoughts on life in general. Some are in there as a joke and some I'm dead serious on.

And what better day to put together a sacrilegious mixtape than the Sabbath?

( Tracks and Download )

Okay, so I've been using my NetFlix account to watch Classic episode of Doctor Who and attempt to get caught up in the old stories. Right now I'm in the middle of the very first story with the third Doctor (Jon Pertwee) and I had just had to take this moment to say a few things.

1. COLOUR, BLESSED COLOUR, HOW I HAVE MISSED THEE!

2. OMG. This guy hasn't even had any proper lines yet and he's still hilarious. I am giggling.

3. Yes! The Doctor does sing in the shower. I love when personal canon is confirmed as actual canon.